Esther Perel recently went on tour.  Did you know?  And it was as good as the best concerts I’ve been to.  She was amazing, and every word she spoke counted. One of the things she talked about that struck me the most was something she called “ambiguous loss.”  I had never heard this term before, but when she described it, I knew it instantly, because I have experienced it, as a lot of us have.  In its simplest terms, ambigous loss refers to profound loss that is not associated with death, but Esther gave meaningful examples that were a little more complex than simply lacking that one part.  Esther described it as the feeling we get when we are sitting next to our partner in bed and they are on their phone and we feel deep loneliness, like they are not there at all.  

Another example, is the loss a military spouse may feel when their partner is deployed for months or years. Even though they know they are still alive and may even have regular contact, there is a gaping hole where they used to be physically present.  The feeling of emptiness, loneliness, and even grief that accompanies these experiences is ambiguous loss.  In one way of thinking, there is a special kind of torture in it because you cannot close the book or move on from it.  You must wait for them to return so you can put them back into the open, empty space in your life.

  I experienced this kind of loss when my oldest son served a mission for our church.  In those days families had very little contact with the missionaries during the two years they were away from home.  This was a hard time for me, and I grieved.  Do you have loss in your life that you are grieving even though your person is still living?  Do you feel grief for a relationship that is still in the same room with you?  I believe many couples feel this.  Connection is something we cannot take for granted because it takes attention, intention, and action. If you find that you are experiencing ambiguous loss in one of your relationships, come see me, and let’s talk about it.